Pain anticipated

Pain unexpected is preferable.
There's the quick knock in the head
That throws you down, the rush,
The Rushing over, the mind's
Delirious time catching up with what's real,
The picking yourself up after
What is by sheer nature
Blurry and apart.

Pain anticipated is a slow half-life.
There's the dizzying noise of the countdown
Testing you each moment
Over and over as you briefly forget --
A-part from you --
If only to rinse your mouth 
For a moment of the acrid taste
Of fear you can't embrace
Because you're too strong for this.

"Suck it up." 
Sure. I can do it. Screw it.

And then you remember what's coming
At you headlong
In blinding haste-come-frozen-time
Like an undodgeable, watchable bullet
That ticks maddeningly toward you
With your name engraved in it
In red diamond flourish.

You try to convince yourself
That you can look away,
But the vanity and the glimmer
Bring you interminably back
To the engagement-gone-wrong thrust upon your finger
That points toward the pain.