What I deserve

Not talking is like talking,
Unfortunately that's how it has become,
Or, more truthfully, how it always was
As I stared, trusting, blindly, into the eyes
Of what I thought I saw.

But I will not dismiss
What I saw, or myself in that seeing.
I saw a beauty and a hope and a dream
And then, in a violent moment,
Saw it slide down the drain
I never stopped to think 
Was inevitable, but it was.

How stupid was I?
I put you above that, beyond
And through because I was down,
And before, and stuck
In a place where I couldn't see
That.

But I know, despite the perspective,
That it was what it was,
And it was that: beautiful, tragic,
Abusive, wrong, and right,
And now, I must move
Through into what I don't want,
But what I do, despite all
That I thought you'd see me through.

And so I wait. I wait
For the new. And hope
That it might, somehow, redeem
The total heartbreak; the absolute
Face-to-floorness of where I am now
Into the true-ness
Of what
I "deserve." 

Just know, beyond all
Shoulds and coulds,
Despite how I was left behind
Over and over
The love I feel, or as I'm told, felt,
Will not go.
It's you.